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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 27, 2014 7:22:33 GMT
First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 28, 2014 7:00:26 GMT
Cal was out driving in the country, seeing how his new car handled the curvy roads at high speeds. As he rounded a corner, one of his tires blew.
When he got out of the car to change the tire, he noticed that he had stopped in front of the state mental asylum. There was also a man sitting on the brick wall in front of the facility.
The driver went about his business, not paying any attention to the guy on the fence. He first took his tire iron and jack out of the car, and got the car jacked up. Then, he removed the hubcap. Next, he removed the six lug nuts, and placed them in the hubcap for safekeeping.
About this time, the guy on the fence decided to start a conversation. This startled the driver, and he reeled around quickly, knocking over the hubcap, and the lug nuts fell into the sewer drain.
The driver gets angry with the guy on the fence, shouting, "Now look what you made me do. Now I'm going to have to walk to town to buy some new lug nuts. Just go back inside and leave me be."
The guy on the fence says, "Why don't you just take one lug nut from each of your other three wheels, and use them on this one. That should hold it steady enough for you to drive the car to the auto parts store."
The driver asks, "That's a brilliant idea...then why are you here?"
The guy on the fence replies, "I'm just crazy, not stupid."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 28, 2014 21:03:02 GMT
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
This kid was always good for a laugh. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy..?"
"My Goldfish died," Nancy sobbed & sobbed, "and I've just buried him."
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a very big hole for such a teeny, weeny little Goldfish, don't you think..?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied, "That's because he's inside your cat.. "
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 29, 2014 8:00:35 GMT
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 50 years. The wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the course on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 30, 2014 8:27:26 GMT
A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 1, 2014 7:23:54 GMT
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 2, 2014 7:14:18 GMT
A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 3, 2014 6:26:28 GMT
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 4, 2014 6:57:09 GMT
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 5, 2014 7:18:43 GMT
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 6, 2014 8:03:03 GMT
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 7, 2014 6:53:17 GMT
They say that sex is the best form of exercise..??
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 8, 2014 7:09:12 GMT
A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 9, 2014 6:43:35 GMT
On in a the wall in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my wife's permission to say so".
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 10, 2014 8:10:24 GMT
Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Thanks, Billy.
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 11, 2014 7:13:29 GMT
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 12, 2014 7:54:04 GMT
As I ran out of the supermarket this morning, the fat security guard started chasing me.
After running around the car park a few times, I finally came to a stop.
He grabbed me by my collar and breathlessly said, "Open your jacket."
So I unzipped it and said, "I've got nothing mate."
"Then why did you run?" he asked.
"Because I thought you could do with the exercise."
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 13, 2014 7:31:17 GMT
A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you! Read more: www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz3LlCX96Px |
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 14, 2014 6:06:45 GMT
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 15, 2014 6:49:08 GMT
“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.
“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”
“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’
“ I was making a bolt for the door!”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 16, 2014 9:34:06 GMT
EVER WONDER
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- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
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- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
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- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
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- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
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- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
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- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 17, 2014 8:12:21 GMT
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 18, 2014 8:12:22 GMT
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 19, 2014 8:11:50 GMT
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 20, 2014 7:37:24 GMT
A teacher was asking her young class about Jesus.
"Now class, who can tell me where we can find Jesus Christ ?
Little Johnny threw his hand up but the teacher knew better than to go straight to him, so she chose the class swot, Emily.
Emily said "We can find him in our hearts".
"Very good Emily" said the teacher. "Who can tell me where else we can find Jesus ?"
Again,little johnnys hand flies up. The teacher looks around the class but nobody else is offering an answer. She sighs and relents.
"All right johnny, let's hear it then" she says.
Little johnny says "In our bathroom Miss"
The teacher is very surprised and asks how he knows this.
Little johnny replies, "Every morning I hear Dad hammering on the bathroom door and shouting 'Jesus Christ, you still in there?'"
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 21, 2014 7:07:50 GMT
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 22, 2014 7:29:29 GMT
The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said,
“Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up,
Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 23, 2014 9:37:39 GMT
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"
As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like..?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that dog!!..
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 23, 2014 17:12:46 GMT
NEVER FORCE YOUR CHILD TO PRAY:
The neighbours had come over for dinner at Little Johnny's place.
As they sat down for dinner, father asked Little Johnny to do the prayers.
Johnny replied, "But dad, im scared."
His Dad told him to just be honest and say what he felt best.
So as everyone joined hands, Johnny began:
" Dear Lord, thank you for bringing the kid who ate my cookies.
Please bless them him with food so that he doesn't take mine.
Also forgive his elder brother who undressed my sister and started wrestling with her.
I’m sure he wont do that again.
Speaking of clothes, I want you to bless all the naked women on my dads phone with clothes. Seriously, they need it.
And lastly, I want you to provide shelter to the homeless man who sleeps with my mom when dad goes to work. Thank you."
No one had dinner that day
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 24, 2014 6:40:36 GMT
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?
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