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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 1, 2014 7:21:26 GMT
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 2, 2014 7:20:24 GMT
People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.
I say there is.....
Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’
Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 3, 2014 7:40:44 GMT
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 4, 2014 7:08:02 GMT
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information. "We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven," Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 5, 2014 5:09:57 GMT
Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 6, 2014 7:27:16 GMT
Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 7, 2014 6:59:15 GMT
Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)
SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.
This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management ..
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 8, 2014 3:48:08 GMT
A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 9, 2014 7:08:37 GMT
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”
Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men!
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 10, 2014 8:12:38 GMT
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 11, 2014 5:16:10 GMT
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 12, 2014 7:59:39 GMT
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 13, 2014 7:27:25 GMT
Women are like phones:
They like to be held , talked to, and
Touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected !
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly ......... On a broomstick.....
We are flexible like that.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 14, 2014 8:04:14 GMT
A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky.
The bartender says " Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11"
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Post by Admin on Sept 14, 2014 23:29:46 GMT
 (rofl  (rofl Regards retribution Wife now out of intensive care and hopefully on mend.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 15, 2014 5:51:06 GMT
Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 16, 2014 7:33:55 GMT
A fireman was at the station when he noticed a little girl next door. She was in a little red wagon with little ladder hanging off the sides. She was wearing a fireman's hat and had a dog tied to the wagon. He yelled, "Hey little girl, what are you doing?" She said, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my firetruck." The fireman walked closer and said, "That sure is a nice firetruck." She said, "Thanks Mister." The fireman move a bit closer to get a better look and he noticed that the little girl had tied the dog to the wagon by it's scrotum. The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie the rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right Mister. But then, I wouldn't have a siren."
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 17, 2014 7:26:39 GMT
A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.
'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'
'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'
'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'
'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.
'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'
'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'
'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'
'God in heaven. So was I.'
Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Nah, not too busy boss at the moment. In fact there's just me and the Murphy twins in here pissed again.'
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 18, 2014 5:58:45 GMT
Three men stranded on an island. They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie. The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick." So they thought about what they were going to wish for. The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." so the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said "I wish I was in the pub with my mates." So he was gone. The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."
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Post by Admin on Sept 19, 2014 4:49:52 GMT
: : (rofl (rofl : Regards retribution |
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 19, 2014 7:16:19 GMT
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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Post by Admin on Sept 19, 2014 23:58:28 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 20, 2014 7:32:17 GMT
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 21, 2014 5:47:42 GMT
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 22, 2014 6:43:38 GMT
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 23, 2014 7:05:08 GMT
Paddy was at the timber yard and accidentally shears off all of his fingers.
He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do." Paddy replies, "I haven"t got the fingers." The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery, I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?" Paddy replies, "I couldn"t pick them up!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 24, 2014 5:31:43 GMT
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 25, 2014 7:25:24 GMT
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?
"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 26, 2014 5:45:35 GMT
Supermarket Scam
This is serious. Please BEWARE! Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Tesco in Stafford. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also January 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend, so Be Warned!
P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £2.99 each.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 27, 2014 5:57:19 GMT
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......."
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(rofl