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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 28, 2014 8:10:54 GMT
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 28, 2014 8:11:05 GMT
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 29, 2014 7:15:55 GMT
Little Johnny asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?"
Little Johnny answered, "The other day, when Daddy and his friend were working out in the garage he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary"!!..
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 30, 2014 6:11:51 GMT
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been one of those workers at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 1, 2014 5:33:22 GMT
"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 2, 2014 6:17:21 GMT
Two Irish fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. “We should mark the spot,” he said. The other man drew a large X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker “That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 3, 2014 6:30:38 GMT
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 4, 2014 8:22:55 GMT
After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,
Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 4, 2014 10:39:02 GMT
What a day! First my girlfriend lectures me for half hour on how she can't trust me. Then I go home to my wife and she does the same thing!
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 5, 2014 7:16:51 GMT
A man is in a pawnshop and sees this beautiful Grandfather Clock and winds up buying it. He asks the owner if he can deliver the clock and the owner replies that he cannot make deliveries. So only living a few blocks away the man decides to strap the clock on his back and carry it the few blocks. After a block or so, a drunk comes staggering out of a bar and bumps into the man knocking him down on his back and smashing the clock to bits. He then jumps up and starts cussing the drunk out and saying "look what you did to my beautiful clock you idiot” The drunk then replies, gee buddy I’m really sorry why don’t you wear a wristwatch like everyone else.
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 6, 2014 8:25:08 GMT
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
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Post by Admin on Oct 6, 2014 11:07:55 GMT
Regards
retribution.
Wife now home from hospital I'm having to care for her re giving her heaps of antibiotics etc, four times a day. My Wife won't be able to walk for about another 6 weeks. So if I'm not in often you know why.
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 7, 2014 5:34:25 GMT
Strolling into a bank, the moron presented a check and asked the teller to cash it. The teller informed the woman that she must first identify herself. Pulling a mirror from a purse the woman looked in it and said, “Yes sir-it’s me, all right.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 7, 2014 5:35:49 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 7, 2014 5:36:51 GMT
Hope everything is ok and she gets better soon.
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 8, 2014 7:11:19 GMT
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine...
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Post by Admin on Oct 12, 2014 3:55:06 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 28, 2014 6:25:06 GMT
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife as a Christmas Present.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says; ' it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 29, 2014 7:00:18 GMT
A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers "Just strolling", "Why do have the gravestone, buddy?", "Because I always want to have some ID”.
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Post by Admin on Oct 30, 2014 13:48:28 GMT
(rofl Regards retribution[/font][/font]
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