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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 19, 2014 7:11:45 GMT
You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.
In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.
You require for a DNA analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can’t be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.
On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That’s what the real stress is.
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 20, 2014 7:12:31 GMT
There was a little boy, his parents, and the little boy’s grandma living in a house together. One morning the grandma calls the little boy downstairs for breakfast. When he gets there he asks, "where are mommy and daddy?" and the grandma replies, "their still in bed." The little Boy laughs and goes out to play until he's called by his grandma for lunch. "Where are mommy and daddy?" he asks at lunch. "Their still in bed." she replies. The little boy laughs again and goes out to play until his grandma calls him in for dinner. "Where are mommy and daddy?" the little boy asks. "Their still in bed." the grandma replies. The little boy giggles again and the grandma asks "Why do you keep laughing every time I say that your mommy and daddy are still in bed?" The little boy replies, "Because last night daddy asked me to bring him the Vaseline while him and mommy were in bed and I brought him the Super Glue instead!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 21, 2014 6:25:13 GMT
A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbor asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
“My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.
A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” “Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 22, 2014 6:18:01 GMT
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 23, 2014 6:35:31 GMT
An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 24, 2014 6:18:25 GMT
When things go wrong,
When sadness fill your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,
Just let me know,
Cause I want to be there for you,
I am selling tissues,buy one get one free.
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 25, 2014 6:29:47 GMT
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed."
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 26, 2014 6:46:04 GMT
After watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?
"She said I don't know; this is the line for the bathroom"
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 27, 2014 4:10:19 GMT
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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Post by Admin on Jul 27, 2014 4:40:03 GMT
  Some great ones there Tommy.
Sorry haven't been in. Wife broke her ankle in two places needing plates and screws so it's been up the hospital a few days and now at home performing all the housework. 
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 28, 2014 7:02:58 GMT
A crying, three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 29, 2014 6:44:08 GMT
New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: 'Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 30, 2014 7:33:02 GMT
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
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Post by tommy.irene on Jul 31, 2014 7:02:43 GMT
Job Application:
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do i '
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 1, 2014 7:15:27 GMT
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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Post by Admin on Aug 3, 2014 23:48:22 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 4, 2014 8:11:45 GMT
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 5, 2014 7:21:58 GMT
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 6, 2014 4:29:15 GMT
A man went to the doctor and said
Doctor I have a problem, but if you are going to treat it you must promise not to laugh.
Of course I won`t laugh, the doctor said, I`m a professional, in over 20 years I`ve never laughed at a patient.
O.K. then,the man said, and proceded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen,
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet,and regain his composure.
I`m so sorry, he said, I dont know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won`t happen again,
O.K., the man says,
Now the doctor says, getting down to business, What seems to be the problem ?
Well, the guy says, ...its swollen...
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 7, 2014 8:18:55 GMT
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.
Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 8, 2014 7:16:03 GMT
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.' !
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 9, 2014 8:28:29 GMT
"Let people know where you're going" my driving examiner said as we approached a roundabout.
"OK" I replied, as I quickly updated my Facebook status.
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 10, 2014 7:12:41 GMT
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 11, 2014 8:25:04 GMT
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 12, 2014 6:19:04 GMT
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 13, 2014 5:48:11 GMT
When I get old there'll be no nursing home for me. I'll be checking into a 'Holiday Inn Hotel!'
With the average cost for nursing home care costing £100 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at Holiday Inn hotels. A combined long term stay discount and senior discount is £40 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £60 a day for lunch and dinner anywhere we choose, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a gym, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£3 of tips a day will get the staff making extra efforts to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a bus stop nearby and seniors ride free. For a change of scenery, take the free daily bus that runs from the hotel to the airport and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything......and apologize for the inconvenience.
They have a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you so happy, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool too.
What more could I ask for?
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Post by Admin on Aug 14, 2014 0:49:42 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 14, 2014 7:17:46 GMT
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 15, 2014 7:50:54 GMT
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 16, 2014 6:42:36 GMT
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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