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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 17, 2014 5:42:10 GMT
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, " Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 18, 2014 8:03:11 GMT
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
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Post by Admin on Aug 19, 2014 6:31:29 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 19, 2014 6:32:01 GMT
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little *******s!"
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Post by Admin on Aug 19, 2014 6:32:46 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 20, 2014 7:14:28 GMT
This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after
the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An elderly lady
received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to
say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know
who might need a lift today.
Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age
Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for
Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want
to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never
let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and
understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to
mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to f*** off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity,
God bless you all,
Yours sincerely,
Ella.
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 21, 2014 7:45:49 GMT
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 22, 2014 7:31:44 GMT
A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room. Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 24, 2014 8:03:02 GMT
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 26, 2014 6:48:06 GMT
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 27, 2014 7:46:17 GMT
Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.
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Post by Admin on Aug 28, 2014 7:54:19 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 28, 2014 8:46:44 GMT
A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 29, 2014 7:21:43 GMT
The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 30, 2014 7:22:54 GMT
Two cowboys were out west one day when up ahead they saw an indian, bent over, ear to the gorund.
The one cowboy excitedly said to the other," Hey, do you know what that there injin's a doin??"
The other said he had no idea.
"He's a puttin his ear to the ground so he can a hear all that be goin on in the surrounding area."
So eventually they approached the indian, and as they did he looked up at them and croaked:" Four oxen and a wagon. There's a family on board. Husband, mother, two children. And they're trailing two horses behind."
The one cowboy said to the other,"See! What did I tell you!" And then looking down to the indian he said,"And you can do all that just by putting your ear to the ground and listening to EVERYTHING going on in the surrounding area??"
A mask of pain on the indians face as he looked up and croaked at them again,"Nah. They rode over me about a half hour ago."
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 31, 2014 7:51:21 GMT
A magician managed to secure himself a very lucrative contract to work on a luxury cruise ship. He could not believe his luck. He had worked hard since he was a boy to attain to become the "best" magician in the world, and this was his lucky break.
The magician was indeed, excellent and put on stunning performances which were greatly appreciated by his "captive" audiences, with the exception of one, a parrot! After every trick or illusion he performed, the parrot would exclaim, "it's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve."
The magician consolled himself by coming up with various ways in which he would, given the opportunity rid himself of his irritating heckler.
One evening, during his performance, there was an massive explosion on board and within 5 minutes the ship had sunk.
He fought to stay afloat in the water as he was not a good swimmer. However he eventually managed to pull his weary body up onto a piece of wreckage. He discovered to his dismay, that he and the parrot who was already on the wreckage, were the only surivors.
He stared at the parrot with venom running through his viens, feeling he had been his "Jonah".
He glared at the parrot, the parrot stared back. For 3 days their gaze was uninterupted, until finally the parrot said:
"Alright, I give up, where'd you put the ship?"
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Post by Admin on Sept 2, 2014 3:27:39 GMT
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