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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 9, 2014 8:08:26 GMT
A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.
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Post by Admin on Apr 10, 2014 7:54:26 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 10, 2014 8:32:40 GMT
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street. One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works.
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 11, 2014 6:11:49 GMT
One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."
She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."
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Post by Admin on Apr 12, 2014 3:33:25 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 12, 2014 8:11:57 GMT
Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall. The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less call on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others. The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 13, 2014 5:09:12 GMT
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?"
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......."
__________________
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 14, 2014 8:18:46 GMT
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car, his father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home and I wanted to stay with you
guys."
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 15, 2014 6:00:44 GMT
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I should complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
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Post by Admin on Apr 16, 2014 0:17:12 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 16, 2014 7:22:20 GMT
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me.
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 17, 2014 4:19:34 GMT
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
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Post by Admin on Apr 17, 2014 9:48:53 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 18, 2014 8:01:09 GMT
During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him
the keys, "Yours is."
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 19, 2014 7:30:45 GMT
The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t
heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”
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Post by Admin on Apr 20, 2014 1:43:56 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 20, 2014 6:28:42 GMT
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 21, 2014 5:23:52 GMT
So this blonde is taking a shower, and her husband shouts out from the bedroom, "Hey, Honey. How do you like the new shampoo we bought?"
She shouts back, "Dang! I can't use it. I didn't realize it's for dry hair. My hair is already wet."
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 22, 2014 6:11:53 GMT
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
A: No one knows, it's never been done.
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 23, 2014 8:25:28 GMT
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew
intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to
address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure
this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of
the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work
as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to
their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for
the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left
satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding
his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
----------------
The moral of the story : Pay your bills.
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Post by Admin on Apr 24, 2014 0:27:41 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 24, 2014 6:14:26 GMT
One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 25, 2014 5:11:42 GMT
One day an Antartian decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse.
It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster.
She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn’t hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground.
She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine.
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Post by Admin on Apr 25, 2014 10:03:38 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 26, 2014 5:43:30 GMT
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 27, 2014 4:44:23 GMT
“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
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Post by Admin on Apr 27, 2014 9:02:30 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 28, 2014 7:06:01 GMT
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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Post by Admin on Apr 29, 2014 0:51:12 GMT
Hello your holiness.
Regards retribution.
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 29, 2014 7:27:30 GMT
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
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