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Post by Admin on Apr 30, 2014 2:42:45 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Apr 30, 2014 4:52:58 GMT
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?
"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"
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Post by tommy.irene on May 1, 2014 7:24:59 GMT
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the eleven
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Post by Admin on May 2, 2014 1:40:10 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on May 2, 2014 7:44:10 GMT
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.....
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00
to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.
__________________
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Post by tommy.irene on May 3, 2014 8:09:49 GMT
A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….
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Post by tommy.irene on May 4, 2014 4:18:11 GMT
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
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Post by tommy.irene on May 5, 2014 5:35:31 GMT
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right
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Post by tommy.irene on May 6, 2014 7:08:43 GMT
A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”
“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”
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Post by Admin on May 7, 2014 4:41:32 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on May 7, 2014 8:11:01 GMT
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:
"Da End is Near.
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash and then silence....
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks,
'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
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Post by tommy.irene on May 8, 2014 7:10:32 GMT
Boss: You should have been here at 9.30 a.m.
Employee: Why what happened?
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Post by Admin on May 9, 2014 2:33:19 GMT
Looks like some smilies missing in reply box.
Perghaps I used too many HA HA HA.
Regards
retribution
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Post by Admin on May 9, 2014 7:27:21 GMT
 Smilies and print size back again.
Regards
retribution
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