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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 5, 2015 19:03:23 GMT
A new business is open and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a card saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’
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***** TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL *****
tommy.irene
Knight of the RT
*****
Im a 76 year old IRISHMAN..But I still think im 25
tommy.johnston@sky.com 00447899912562 My+Phone+Number.+00447899912562
View Profile Email Personal Message (Online)
" Dad who built the Suez Canal"
" I don't know son"
" Dad who discovered penicillin "
" I've no idea son"
" Dad what's the capital of Italy "
" I ain't got a clue son"
"Dad you don't mind me asking all these questions do you"
"No son, if you don't ask you won't learn anything "
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Post by Admin on Oct 8, 2015 7:24:03 GMT
As usual Tommy a great joke thanks for visiting site you're always welcome mate/
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 30, 2015 9:47:59 GMT
I don't agree with the new law on not smoking in a car with under 18's in it. Last week my kids got soaking wet in the rain while I was having a fag in the car. They were literally banging on the windows begging me to let em in, but as I explained to them, it's illegal. Stupid law really.
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Post by Admin on Nov 9, 2015 3:45:30 GMT
HI Tommy I agree that passive smoking is a load of crap but do agree smoking can cause a lot of problems for the smoker. I was brought up around smokers and it never affected me and I've also smoked for 50 odd years and xrays show I'm clear of any smoking problems currently but, I would never recommend anyone take it up we're all built different and because I've gotten away without problems doesn't mean everyone else will but passive smoking is just bulldust.
Regards to you both
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 29, 2015 15:26:28 GMT
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? You’re Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
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Post by Admin on Dec 10, 2015 5:46:40 GMT
 Great joke Tommy and how true for some.
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Jun 20, 2016 17:04:33 GMT
Hope your keeping well.. I dont see you on the Round Table much..
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Post by tommy.irene on Aug 29, 2016 13:56:42 GMT
Hi everyone.
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 1, 2016 8:32:33 GMT
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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Post by tommy.irene on Jan 3, 2017 3:33:24 GMT
A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer.
The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them.
Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug.
"What was that all about"? he asked.
She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40
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Post by tommy.irene on Jan 26, 2017 19:07:44 GMT
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful ta-tas that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
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Post by tommy.irene on Jan 26, 2017 19:51:28 GMT
..
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
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Post by tommy.irene on Jan 26, 2017 20:00:22 GMT
The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and they hear a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was empty so I had to strangle her!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Jan 28, 2017 17:19:38 GMT
Magic Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
Look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
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Post by tommy.irene on Jan 29, 2017 10:25:50 GMT
Two accountants are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Jan 30, 2017 19:27:38 GMT
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged," and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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Post by tommy.irene on Feb 26, 2017 4:21:50 GMT
The regular taster at a winery died and the director had to look for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
-“That’s correct”, said the boss.
The boss handed him another glass. “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
-“Correct.”
A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Mar 1, 2017 20:56:15 GMT
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says: "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?"
After quickly thinking it over, she responds: "I'll have the bad news first doctor."
The doctor replies: "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair."
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face.
"Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news."
The doctor replies: "He's dead."
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Post by tommy.irene on Mar 6, 2017 19:14:22 GMT
I asked my neighbour what her little daughter wanted for her birthday  ? She said its all the rage the kids love it so anything Frozen....the kid looked angry with the Iceland peas I got her.. |
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 15, 2017 3:23:37 GMT
While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt.
When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose.
Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease.
-“If you smell gas,” I said, “it’s me.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 1, 2017 2:30:32 GMT
It was their first date, and she’d shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, “But enough about me. Let’s talk about you.”
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, “What do you think about me?”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 26, 2017 9:55:18 GMT
JOKES 2 GET U THROUGH THE DAY on facebook.
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? She said its all the rage the kids love it so anything Frozen....the kid looked angry with the Iceland peas I got her..