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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 4, 2013 9:29:37 GMT
I called my Internet provider today and when the guy answered I handed the phone over to my 10-month-old son.
After a minute I took the phone back from him and said, "Hello?"
"Hi," he replied, "Sorry, I didn't understand a word of that."
"That's what it was like when you put me through to your call centre in India last week
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Post by Admin on Dec 4, 2013 23:59:48 GMT
  Too true.
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 5, 2013 10:12:34 GMT
A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?” “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 6, 2013 9:04:46 GMT
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
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Post by Admin on Dec 6, 2013 23:35:35 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 7, 2013 9:59:28 GMT
Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"
He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two hours ago."
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 8, 2013 5:33:47 GMT
A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and
asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car
zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!!
Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!
Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver was starting to
get a little irritated and miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in
Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and
said, "that'll be $150."
"$150? It was short ride! Why so much?"
"Yeah! That's a Taxi Meter; Made in Japan!! Very fast!!!"
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Post by Admin on Dec 8, 2013 23:37:44 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 9, 2013 8:33:32 GMT
A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,” “it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”
One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 10, 2013 7:02:32 GMT
My nan called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.
"Can I come in?" She asked,
" Have you got a problem?" He replied,
"I'm freezing, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have your heating on," she replied.
__________________
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Post by Admin on Dec 10, 2013 23:54:09 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 11, 2013 5:44:56 GMT
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 12, 2013 9:52:25 GMT
Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable." The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable". To which the third replied, "You are both wrong she is unbearable."
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Post by Admin on Dec 13, 2013 2:08:07 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 13, 2013 9:05:22 GMT
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
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Post by Admin on Dec 14, 2013 0:06:49 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 14, 2013 10:15:31 GMT
One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 15, 2013 7:42:31 GMT
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
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Post by Admin on Dec 16, 2013 0:18:48 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 16, 2013 6:24:13 GMT
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 17, 2013 7:31:25 GMT
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
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Post by Admin on Dec 17, 2013 22:45:42 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 18, 2013 9:02:58 GMT
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Post by Admin on Dec 18, 2013 22:48:48 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 19, 2013 11:05:55 GMT
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 19, 2013 17:23:48 GMT
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
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Post by Admin on Dec 19, 2013 23:26:27 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 20, 2013 9:18:09 GMT
One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, "So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says: "Well, it's great, I've got an engineer down here and he has build air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else, he's gonna build next. Then God asks, "You've got an engineer down there?" "That's a big mistake, send him up here right now!" and Satan replies, "No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell." and God says, "send him up or I'll sue!!" and Satan says smirking, "Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer??"
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Post by Admin on Dec 20, 2013 23:58:18 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 21, 2013 9:28:07 GMT
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks.
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