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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 27, 2013 7:23:46 GMT
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "Let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down"
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"'No, because he's really heavy".
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Post by Admin on Oct 27, 2013 23:19:27 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 28, 2013 7:49:53 GMT
Reading his local paper one evening a man sees an advert asking for new members to join their debating forum. that sounds enjoyable he thinks and goes along to the next meeting.
When he returns home his wife asks how the evening had been.
"It was great" he said, " a member stood and gave a talk on a subject then afterwards we all debated it."
Weeks went by and then one evening, after the debate the, the organiser asked him to do the next weeks subject. "What subject would you like to pick," he asked.
"Sex" said the man.
He went home excitedly and told his wife the news but when it came to the subject he was a little embarressed so he told her yachting.
The week went by he spent hours on the computer studying all aspects of sex then went to his meeting.
The next day his wife was out shopping and happened to meet another member of the debating forum.
"Your Fred gave one of the best talks on a subject we have had, the debate was fabulous."
Puzzled his wife replied, " I don't understand it he has only done it twice, once he was sick and the other time his hat blew off."
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Post by Admin on Oct 28, 2013 23:35:05 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 29, 2013 8:30:18 GMT
Got a phone call from my mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.
I asked, ''Where did you get that?''
He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar square and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, ‘WAVE!’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''
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Post by Admin on Oct 29, 2013 23:18:07 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 30, 2013 8:17:56 GMT
These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".
They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.
Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".
They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".
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Post by Admin on Oct 31, 2013 0:51:54 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 31, 2013 9:48:48 GMT
A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"
The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"
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Post by Admin on Oct 31, 2013 23:47:57 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 1, 2013 8:52:42 GMT
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 1, 2013 19:53:09 GMT
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my feckin' house."
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Post by Admin on Nov 1, 2013 23:50:51 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 2, 2013 7:53:01 GMT
Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?
“How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan.
“Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 3, 2013 5:35:50 GMT
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing ashow in a small fishing town.With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair andstarts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way?What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically, all in the name of humour!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little man on your lap!"
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Post by Admin on Nov 3, 2013 23:23:36 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 4, 2013 8:43:34 GMT
A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 5, 2013 7:24:44 GMT
Mad men are given a test to check their mental state. The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.
They start rushing to the door but one remains sitting. The instructor goes to him and asks; “why didn’t you join the others?” He replies, "let them fight they forgot I have the keys"
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Post by Admin on Nov 5, 2013 21:34:18 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 6, 2013 5:13:16 GMT
Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father..'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all !'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer ******' candle
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 6, 2013 5:26:01 GMT
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They made love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings.
Since it's the woman's house, she picks it up. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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Post by Admin on Nov 6, 2013 7:53:07 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 7, 2013 11:03:26 GMT
A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.
The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."
So the duck left.
The following day the duck went back and asked again.
This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor."
The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?"
The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then."
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Post by Admin on Nov 7, 2013 22:39:55 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 8, 2013 5:27:14 GMT
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 9, 2013 5:10:06 GMT
What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!
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Post by Admin on Nov 9, 2013 23:54:09 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 10, 2013 8:07:54 GMT
Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, "You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Cow Disease." The other cow says to him, "I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 11, 2013 9:12:53 GMT
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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Post by Admin on Nov 11, 2013 23:30:24 GMT
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