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Post by Admin on Nov 7, 2014 3:51:26 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 7, 2014 6:41:18 GMT
Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 8, 2014 7:08:17 GMT
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort
for a vacation. After a week he joined them in
the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel
room he wanted to make love to his wife and
gave her "the look". Whispering under her
breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do
it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies,
"You're right, lets go to the beach."
After a while they make their way to the
beach, they start to make love on an empty
beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up
to them. "Put your cloths on immediately,
shame on you, you can't do that in public!"
Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are
right, but I had a moment of weakness. We
hadn't seen each other for an entire week.
Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very
embarrassing if you fine me."
The cop thought for a second and said "Don't
worry... you are a colleague and it is your first
time. But this is the third time I caught this
bitch making love on this beach in the last
week and she will have to pay."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 9, 2014 6:59:12 GMT
One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched" Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, "Don't mess with my Uncle."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 10, 2014 7:54:24 GMT
A Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer
had bought a box of soap that was empty. Management tasked its engineers
to solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence.
The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution
monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed
through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked
hard and they worked fast.
But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with
another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed
it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox
passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 11, 2014 6:23:35 GMT
A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 12, 2014 7:07:28 GMT
The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 13, 2014 6:34:27 GMT
My Dog Named Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 14, 2014 7:32:44 GMT
A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238″ and decides to make the call.
The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?” “Ten pounds,” he replies. “We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door.There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house.
Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds.”
“We’ll send someone over.” The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds!” “Fifty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”
The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!” About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door.
Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 15, 2014 8:17:04 GMT
Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
A. Because it soot’s him!
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 16, 2014 8:36:32 GMT
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down
in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in
the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog
and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the
Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the
Dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put
him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out,
the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle,
and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman
for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one
paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned
to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession
of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search
the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for
a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time
He placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man
is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note
of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came
racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle
seat and proceeded to mess all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour
and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained
dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman,
'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 18, 2014 7:11:37 GMT
So this guy goes to the movies, and as it happens, where he sits down, there's a woman sitting in front of him with her dog on the seat next to her.
Our friend thinks this is weird enough to begin with, but he loses track of it as he starts to get into the movie. It's a doozy, with a little bit of everything- the funny parts are ripping funny, the tragic parts are really sad...
...and as the movie goes on, he notices that the dog is kinda bark-laughing at the funny parts, and whining at the sad parts, and at least is acting like he's totally into the movie, too.
When the movie ends, he decides to speak to the woman about it. "I'm sorry to eavesdrop," he says, "but I couldn't help but notice that your dog seemed like it was really getting into the movie. That's amazing!"
"I know!" said the woman, sharing his enthusiasm- "he hated the book."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 19, 2014 7:15:13 GMT
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 20, 2014 7:30:47 GMT
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 21, 2014 7:27:00 GMT
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 22, 2014 8:43:46 GMT
Don was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see
his doctor, who prescribed some extra strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before
he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office,
strolled in and said to the boss. "I didn't have a bit of trouble
getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday &
Tuesday?"
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 23, 2014 7:55:51 GMT
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies "50 pence."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 24, 2014 6:57:45 GMT
A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 25, 2014 6:45:34 GMT
I was sat with my girlfriends dad as she was upstairs getting ready, when the embarrassing pictures made an appearance.
"And here she is in the bath, she hates me showing this one."
He just looked at me and said" Get out my house"
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 26, 2014 6:06:55 GMT
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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Post by Admin on Nov 26, 2014 14:04:00 GMT
Sorry Haven't been online. Busy re Wife and Physio.
Regards
retribution
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