|
|
Post by tommy.irene on May 30, 2014 6:58:00 GMT
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"
The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on May 31, 2014 6:38:39 GMT
When he was finished with the bulk of the changes, Mr. Smith added yet one more stipulation to his will: that he be buried at sea.
He explained, “that’s just in case my wife makes good on her threat to dance on my grave.”
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 2, 2014 6:50:30 GMT
Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 3, 2014 4:37:54 GMT
A couple is reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her! ..........................................
Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on. ............................................... .................................................. ..................................
Posted in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my wife's permission to say so!!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Jun 4, 2014 1:19:02 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 4, 2014 5:28:11 GMT
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 5, 2014 7:11:01 GMT
One friend to another: Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is
“I am.”
Really. What’s the longest sentence?
“I do.”
A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation:
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John?
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Jun 6, 2014 0:57:00 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 6, 2014 6:49:43 GMT
A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 7, 2014 6:03:29 GMT
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 8, 2014 5:21:24 GMT
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Jun 9, 2014 4:37:54 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by tommy.irene on Jun 9, 2014 5:25:41 GMT
A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”
|
|
