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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 14, 2013 8:56:31 GMT
Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.' Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."
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Post by Admin on Nov 14, 2013 23:52:06 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 15, 2013 9:40:06 GMT
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee
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Post by Admin on Nov 15, 2013 23:33:57 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 16, 2013 9:57:29 GMT
Q: Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
A: They were repossessed.
Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 17, 2013 6:14:46 GMT
I bring my best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.
My wife screams at me as my friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
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Post by Admin on Nov 17, 2013 23:35:05 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 18, 2013 10:32:25 GMT
HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyse the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing c. If they have
messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security g. If they have broken the
bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 19, 2013 8:13:57 GMT
Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this crap." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.
The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.
They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 19, 2013 20:00:39 GMT
My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my friend, Dave, came out of the closet, stark naked. Poor man must have wondered what was going on.
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Post by Admin on Nov 19, 2013 23:23:16 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 20, 2013 8:47:21 GMT
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 21, 2013 8:36:46 GMT
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
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Post by Admin on Nov 22, 2013 0:24:30 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 22, 2013 9:09:45 GMT
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 22, 2013 19:36:34 GMT
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!'
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Post by Admin on Nov 23, 2013 22:23:44 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 24, 2013 9:05:34 GMT
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Your lying, You've been playing golf!"
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 25, 2013 9:01:11 GMT
The fortune teller
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
The woman took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
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Post by Admin on Nov 25, 2013 23:12:18 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 26, 2013 7:42:26 GMT
It was two o' clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 27, 2013 8:15:33 GMT
Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
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Post by Admin on Nov 27, 2013 23:32:49 GMT
    Like always Good ones Tommy
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 28, 2013 8:33:31 GMT
Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 29, 2013 8:38:46 GMT
Two Irish men looking through a catalogue. Paddy say's "look at those gorgeous women! The price's are reasonable too," Mick agrees! "I am ordering one of them right now.
"3 week's later, Paddy say's "Has your
woman turned up yet?""No" said Mick. "But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday"!
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Post by Admin on Nov 29, 2013 22:53:14 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Nov 30, 2013 6:51:51 GMT
A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Rangers top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow 's east-side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "***** naw, they're no twins. The auldest wan's 9, and the ither wan's 7.........
Why the ***** would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam." replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice...........
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA."
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Post by Admin on Nov 30, 2013 22:58:01 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 1, 2013 9:50:22 GMT
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
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Post by tommy.irene on Dec 2, 2013 9:56:02 GMT
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball" the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
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