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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 25, 2013 5:57:39 GMT
For those of us who are old enough to know about oestrogen issues and you young ladies who have this to look forward to. J
Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'child support payment' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Nurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
OTHER WOMEN
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Post by Admin on Sept 25, 2013 6:33:59 GMT
  Excellent
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 25, 2013 9:00:56 GMT
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool-table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 25, 2013 18:39:53 GMT
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
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Post by Admin on Sept 25, 2013 22:59:35 GMT
Good ones Tommy
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 26, 2013 9:09:08 GMT
The Doctor, asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
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Post by Admin on Sept 27, 2013 0:29:57 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 27, 2013 8:02:07 GMT
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in
the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I bet you just sang that!
the old ones are the best.
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Post by Admin on Sept 27, 2013 11:15:54 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 28, 2013 8:46:53 GMT
At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
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Post by Admin on Sept 28, 2013 8:56:43 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 29, 2013 9:02:41 GMT
A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
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Post by Admin on Sept 30, 2013 0:06:36 GMT
  Too true.
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Sept 30, 2013 9:45:50 GMT
Embarrassing Situations!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200!"
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Post by Admin on Sept 30, 2013 23:55:39 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 1, 2013 8:42:34 GMT
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.
“Johnny, wait until we've said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.
“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
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Post by Admin on Oct 1, 2013 9:12:29 GMT
Good one Tommy LOL
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 2, 2013 9:20:38 GMT
We live in a society today where pizza delivery comes to your house before the police . |
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Post by Admin on Oct 3, 2013 0:28:00 GMT
Hi Tommy
Having problems again re "Reply Boxes" only "Quick Reply" available which doesn't have emoticons or any tools. Also I cannot get into Admin and my photographs all posts have gone. Wording still there but no photos. This is not from Photobucket, it is internal only this site. Trying to contact Freeforums to rectify all this but just won't let me sign in to their help pages?
So for the moment carry on as usual and I'll keep trying to rectify.
Regards
retribution
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 3, 2013 9:08:54 GMT
A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:
- Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
- Yes, honey, three times.
- When was the first time?
- Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
- Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?
- Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?
- Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
- Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 4, 2013 8:35:26 GMT
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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Post by Admin on Oct 5, 2013 3:13:13 GMT
Hi Tommy Everything back to normal thank goodness. Had me worried there for awhile    Regards to you and Irene. retribution |
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 5, 2013 8:59:55 GMT
A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”
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Post by Admin on Oct 5, 2013 23:48:53 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 6, 2013 9:15:50 GMT
Well, I finaly retired my old car", said the old man. His pal ask, "Did you junk it or trade it in?" "Naw nothing like that, I put four new Michelins on it."
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 6, 2013 10:14:27 GMT
couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!
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Post by Admin on Oct 6, 2013 23:44:12 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 7, 2013 8:44:23 GMT
a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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Post by Admin on Oct 8, 2013 0:13:05 GMT
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Post by tommy.irene on Oct 8, 2013 7:57:45 GMT
A deer was trying to cross a busy road but the traffic was very heavy. After waiting unsuccessfully for a few minutes, a bear walked past and said: “Excuse me, there’s a zebra crossing a bit further along the road.” The deer said, “Well, I hope he’s having better luck than I am!
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